Looking through blue eyes
by BlackHeartedTigress
Summary: I haven't been writing for a while, so these are just some one-shots to help me get back to it. The themes vary; there will be love, anger, sadness and joy. It will be (mainly) from Alec's POV. Enjoy.
1. I bare my soul to you

**read this!**

**Okay, the inspiration for this was a video I watched recently- Hozier, Take me to church. Watch it; it is one of the most powerful things I have ever watched. ****I wept afterwards, cried for everyone who has been persecuted FOR LOVING. It just struck me how horrific it was that two people could not love openly without facing violence and judgement. **

**LOVE IS LOVE. Anyone who says otherwise is encouraging hatred. I don't care much for homophobia.**

**It so eloquently explains the unjustified hatred of society, and reflects the awful situation in Russia. This is written for them. And indeed everyone facing hardships and worries in their lives.**

I bare my soul to you

_Magnus_,

The clock ticks. It's the only thing that marks time for me now. The only thing that connects me to the real world.

_Tick Tock. _They'll come for me again. I know they will.

_Tick Tock. _I can only be glad of one thing; that you're not with me, that you're safe.

_Tick Tock. _I know it'll be hard for you. When you you ask my siblings where I am. I know you will grieve for me, but please, know this, love; I am happy. You brought so many days of life, of happiness, of love to me. You taught me the meaning of the word love. Before I met you, love was a selfish, manipulative thing choking me. But you set me free. You dragged the heavy chains off my body and replaced them with warm arms. You showed me love is unrestrained and unconditional, that when you love someone, you'll die for them. You loved me before I even knew I loved you.

I do not regret you. You alone have brought to me the happiest days of my life, and I would not give those days up to be free a little longer.

_Tick Tock. _I will remember our days together when they come back. When they tear and lash out at me, I will recall how soft your caresses were. When I see their faces full of raw, inexplicable hatred, I will think of your eyes, full with joy, laughter and adoration.

Adoration for me. I never believed someone would ever love me as you do. I'd seen couples in love, some so far that they didn't notice anyone outside of their little world, and I thought sadly that I'd never have that. No-one would ever look at me as something special or precious. No-one would ever want to kiss or touch me. But you did. You did.

_Tick Tock. _Take me back to that day. Please don't let me see their eyes full of judgement. I can't think of myself as 'unnatural, an aberration and inferior to everyone else', not when you look at me. But, love, when you're not here, I fear I'll begin to believe them. I fear that their words will tear through your protective shield. I live in terror that perhaps I shall stop listening to your beautiful, inspiring words, and ingest their noxious, jagged lies. When you're surrounding by nothing but falseness, how do you know what is the truth any more? I pray I do not succumb, love, I pray for us.

_Tick Tock. _My soul aches for you. You have no idea what I would give for one more day with you. I want to make love to you and wake up in that sleepy-perfectly-warm state, no cares, no worries, no fears. I want you to wake up, and smile when you see me gazing at you in amazement. The truth is, love, every time I wonder, how can I possibly have this man in my arms? Nothing on this earth is as beautiful as you are to me.

_Tick Tock. _I suppose this seems strange to you, doesn't it? To read my writing filled with such affection, and for me to use endearments. I should have given you more while I still could. I should have lived every day telling you how much I love you, calling you 'sweetheart, darling, love'. I held back, and I know the cost of that now. I should have dared to love you as fully as I could, no restrictions, no hiding. I never want to hide again, Magnus, not ever. I acted as if I was ashamed of our love, ashamed of you. Please know, it was never you. I was too afraid, too concerned over what the Clave would think, of what my parents would think. You should have come first, love. You offered me real, unconditional love and I refused you over and over again. Yet I found the courage to declare our love to the Shadow world. I did it because I did not want to lose you; you are so important to me.

_Tick Tock. _I think I can hear them coming, so there is only time for me to share one last memory with you.

You remember the day, don't you? The day I asked you to be my partner not only in battle, but in love. I kissed you, and I didn't care that hundreds of Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike watched. All I could feel was you; your body frozen with the shock of my very public declaration, the ghost of a smile as you realised I was done with the secrecy. The pride in your eyes as I drew back from you, that I was a coward no longer. That I had become comfortable with being_ me. _

Even as we went to fight, darling, I was smiling on the inside. I could have died then and been happy, for I knew that_ you knew_ I loved you. You still to this day have no idea how important that was to me. It became vital that you knew, I needed it like I need my heart to beat, my brain to think and my legs to walk. I needed you.

I felt it, you know. I felt your magic inside of me. It frothed and rolled and sparked. It was a fantastic and surreal feeling; powerful, dangerous and intoxicating. It would be so easy for you to let it overwhelm you, to let the magic control you, wouldn't it? You're always so in control though, and admire you for that. You're strong, far more so  
than I am. But that's okay; I'll be the the little boat in the storm, and you can be my anchor. You hold me steady, always by my side through the danger.

When that short but vicious battle ended, I searched frantically for you. I knew you were alive, I could still feel your energy inside of me, but you could be wounded, bleeding to death from a horrific wound. Oh, how the images flashed before my eyes, darling. My breaths were short, and heart thudding. I tried desperately to tell if the energy within me was fading. I remember almost sinking to the ground when I felt it was.

I called out your name, over and over, needing to find you.

"Alexander."

I heard your tired but triumphant voice, and spun to face you. My eyes quickly scrutinised you for injuries, and yes you had some deep cuts, but you were not dying.

"You're okay, you're okay," I murmured over and over as I fell into your embrace. "I felt the rune fading..."

"I as well," Magnus answered softly. "It was because the need for it was gone. The Mortal War is over. Valentine is dead."

I don't know how long we stayed there for, just holding each other. Probably longer than the actual battle lasted, but soon enough we began to stumble towards Alicante.

I saw my family and friends, and I was happy. But not as overwhelmingly so as when I saw your face. And of course, I still felt uneasy about how my parents would react to you- to you and I. Yet I had to be brave now; I'd made a public statement about how I felt about you, and it was impossible to refute that now.

Mom's pale blue clawed at the sense of security I'd felt while holding your hand. This was the moment, the one which would destroy me or give me the acceptance I was desperate for.

"Hi, Mom," I said, cursing my own awkwardness.

"Alexander," she replied, her eyebrows high. Her eyes moved past me though. " And Magnus Bane."

"Maryse," he acknowledged politely.

Silence descended for a second before I realised, _Oh, this is the point I explain the kiss. In front of the entire Clave. _

I took a tremulous breath, and you squeezed my hand gently. "I'm not sorry for what I did, not in the least. It was the single bravest thing I've done in my entire life, the single thing I feel truly proud of." I looked up at you, love, and felt and sense of right course through me. "I'm in love," I said softly. "And yes, he's hardly the most conventional person, hardly the person you imagined me standing beside as I told you I loved them. But I know that with him I'm happy in a way I've never been before, a way that gives me hope and inspiration and courage. And I know now I'm not prepared to lose him, not for anyone." I suddenly ran out of those eloquent words, but there was only the briefest of silences.

"Alexander." You whispered my name. Finally, the moment when you truly believed that I loved you without doubt. The moment when I didn't care if I was disowned and stripped of my marks, because even then, I would still have you...

_Tick Tock._ My time is up. You, and you alone know the secrets of my heart, and I ask that you don't take them to the grave. Let my family know that I was euphoric in my last days and that they can know I am at peace,

I give to you the only parts of me that are truly immortal, my love and my soul.

Until we meet again,

Alec.

**I nearly cried as I wrote this, so feel free to tell me how this makes you feel.**

**Also, just to confirm, Alec does die and you can imagine the people killing him are some kind of psychotic Nazi-like, emotionless, heartless, soulless, monstrous, cold-blooded, murdering bastards. **

**Basically anyone who thinks themselves superior to someone/ a group of people.**

_**Fin. **_


	2. Sleepy mornings

**Okay, this is a just a short snippet. **

_The bird waves at me once more before taking to the skies, calling out, "Raziel and Robin will be excited to hear of the news, but ultimately Batman is not going to be too fond of the idea."_

_I smile and wave back. What a crazy little bird. Obviously Batman would love the idea of a fleet of mermaids taking up residence in his shiny Bat-mobile. _

I sat up and blinked the sleep from my eyes. Raziel, I needed to stop reading those comics. My dreams were becoming more lurid and ridiculous by the night. Stretching my arms, I attempted to stand and get ready for the day ahead. Unfortunately, this was not very successful, mostly due to the fact that Magnus had a death-grip on me.

"Where do you think you're going?" he muttered sleepily.

"Magnus, not everyone has the time to lay about in bed all day. I have training to do."

"_Fuck_ training," Magnus said firmly, and tightened his hold, enough that my breaths were ever so slightly shorter. "Besides, I don't 'lay about in bed all day', everyday. Today's a Saturday. Saturday is part of a concept known as the 'weekend'."

I looked down at him. "Just because it's Saturday doesn't mean all life can just stop. Stuff still needs to be done."

"Mhhmmm... While that belief is certainly interesting, it's a little too radical for me. I mean, really, working on weekends? Isn't that the Eighth Deadly Sin?"

"No, but I do recall sloth being one of them."

"So is lust, but those gorgeous blue eyes were dark with it last night."

"That's last night. Today is Saturday. A new day, with yesterday completely forgotten." I did not particularly want to think of last night while trying to have a rational debate.

"Well, _Alexander_, you can be sure that I haven't forgotten a moment of it. Didn't it go just like this..." He stroked his slim fingers up my arm whilst grinning tantalisingly. I shivered from the sensation; Magnus had quickly introduced me to the idea that a touch didn't need to be sexual to be sensual.

"So working on Saturday mornings is the Eighth Deadly Sin, but sex is fine?" I queried.

"Who mentioned sex?" Magnus said, releasing his hold on me and slumping back against the pillows with his eyebrows raised.

"Well, unless my memory fails me, I'm pretty sure that's what happened last night."

"And correct me if I speak falsely," he mimicked," but I was only alluding to the first part of our... _eventful _evening. Do you honestly think I have the energy on a _Saturday morning_ to give an exact reconstruction of last night? I'm not the one with the stamina rune."

I sighed, slightly disappointed, but conceding his point. Our _eventful evening_ had been comprised of several hours of foreplay alone, and so it enough to still be feeling the after-affects today.

"_I'm _not the one with the stamina rune," he repeated lowly, with only a slight emphasis on the first word, making me wonder whether I'd really heard it at all. His eyes were half-closed and cast downwards, so I had absolutely no idea what he was thinking. I hated it when he left me in situations like this.

"What exactly are you insinuating?" I asked , but I could hear both a roughness and hope in my voice.

His eyes opened enough for my to see his cat-like pupils, and he watched my expression as he slowly trailed his hand from my knee to my inner thigh.

"Somehow, I don't think you're under any illusions about what I'm referring to," he murmured, almost reprovingly, as he pulled me over his body.

I shivered slightly at the sudden heat of his naked body beneath me, although quickly my hands moved to his chest, greedily absorbing the feeling of the hot, soft skin.

"Not any more," I breathed into his ear, whilst my fingers circled lower and lower.

He trembled with laughter first, and then later again, with pleasure.

I was now an official convert to the belief in sleepy Saturday mornings.

**You have no idea how much fun it was to write this. Or how much it turned me on imagining this scene... ;)**


	3. Hatred will not be your salvation

This is written for every person who has ever been told they're not good enough. That they are inferior. This is my rebellion, my defiance and my belief.

If you don't like it (as regards to** the subject**, not my writing. If you don't like my writing, fair enough), I don't really care. I **won't** hold up placards saying 'Anyone with a superiority complex will burn in Hell', because I don't think that. I am not perfect, so I may be angry at you; I truly abhor ACTS OF HATRED. I have no doubt in my mind they're wrong, and be honest, do you?

Do you condone making another person feel rejected by society? Does making another person cry bring you laughter? _Does breaking someone's spirit make you sleep easier at night?_

I didn't think so. (If yes, you are indeed a psychopath)

I'm also not going to state my sexual orientation or gender, as I feel that would be self-defeating. The very point of this is to stop stigmatising people based on their sexuality, and so I don't want to act as if being another orientation is shameful.

**Hatred will not be your salvation.**

_'Take the plank out of your own eye before trying to remove the speck in mine,' Jesus Christ (paraphrased.) _A good quote, whether you are atheist, Christian, Muslim, Jewish or from any other religion.

"You looked at him before. You saw a barely adult boy, someone still hovering on the point of leaving his childhood years behind. You saw black hair, you saw blue eyes, you saw pale skin. Perhaps there was intelligence and intuition in behind those eyes, you surmised. But he was a person to you, he had a soul.

You stare at him now. Your eyes cannot turn away as they see an adult, fully responsible for his crimes against nature, against you. You see a man, innocence and naivety long deserted. Farewell, goodbye, so long, _adieu_. You see a devil's hair, you see a demon's eyes, you see Satan's complexion. He has no soul, he is a monster, _he is evil in it's purest form. _

Cover your children's eyes, for he will poison the hearts and minds of all who see his lustful, degrading acts. It will traumatise them forever and they will grow up into a replica of this aberration before you. He is the Seven Deadly Sins incarnate, and he is trying to deceive you into seeing them as the Virtues instead.

How long has it been between that past where he is innocent and God's child, and that present in which he has been baptised by Lucifer? A sliver of time, one atom of a second in a universe of millennia. What was his crime? What turned him from good to evil in a mere few moments? What changed about _him_?

Nothing. Nothing at all. All that changed was you. You look at him in that second and see the darkness and the lies and the corruption pour out of him. Endless streams from eternal rivers from _infinite fucking rain_. But it's not coming from him, oh no. It's not him that lavishly paints that black aura. It's you. _It's you_. Those lies, they seep and ooze and crawl and creep from your gaping, hypocritical mouth. It pours like vomit, disease and illness from you until you cannot see past it.

YOU HAVE BLINDED YOURSELF! _You obscure your vision and your fragile mind CRUMBLES! _OUT POURS THE WORDS OF YOUR BLINDNESS: FAGGOT, ABOMBINATION , UNNATURAL!

Oh, yes, you would dare to call me unnatural as you stoop and lick your own tar-like vomit off the floor. You don't stop, you don't stop until you have gulped down every acidic, venomous drop, and you dare to call _me _ill? _I'm _the one who needs to be cured?

Where did I pick up this fatal contagion? Was it as I touched my mouth to his? When I decided I would not be oppressed into silence any longer? I kissed him because I knew it was time I stopped living my life in the secrecy of shadows. I wanted to break free of the weights tying me to the earth, and to soar. To let the love inside of me flourish and grow as it reached towards the light of the Sun. I did not want it to become a withered, sickly thing that had all but given up. I needed the man who loved me so unconditionally, who loved me without knowing I ever truly reciprocated for so long, to know _I loved him_.

I lived for years hating myself. I hated what I was just as much as you do now. I thought that I was a freak, someone who would be put on display for others to goad and taunt and mock. I thought I was a sinner by just existing. And it almost broke me. It almost convinced me that I had no right to live, no right to ask to be treated as everyone else, because I was not the same. _But what do us, humans, as a species always pride about ourselves? _OUR UNIQUENESS, OUR _DIFFERENCES_! So I stopped loathing myself and saw myself for what I am. I am a sinner. I am just another person in seven billion. But I am not cursed or damned or inferior, I am not worth less than anyone else. I am one in seven billion, but I am just as important as every last one of them.

Love is good. Love is natural and right and warm and happy. Except if it's my love for another man, apparently. My love, no matter how honest and faithful is not good enough for you. And I find that sad. But it is not me I feel pity for now, it is you. It is you who has been deafened and blinded and muted by hatred. It has possessed you, until the only words you can speak are toxic and cancerous.

Cover your children's eyes and ears and mouth. Don't let them inhale your noxious fumes, don't let them hear your white noise and _for God's sake_ don't let them see your bloody and vicious violence. For it will contaminate them, it will teach them to hate as you have. We must not let hatred triumph over love.

So now I will be defiant. When you call me those cruel derogatory names, I will laugh. It is not me you are hurting. When you wound me and draw blood from my body, I will be peaceful. It is not me those incisions and lacerations are killing. When you preach against me, I will pray for you. Love your enemies. Treat others as you'd like to be treats. Do not judge. I will find it in my heart to love you. I will look in my soul for acceptance. I will not judge you for your actions against me.

I ask you this, though: which of us is saved? Which of us is forgiven? I don't know the answer, and neither do you, but what we both know several things. It is better to spread light than to sow darkness. It is better to embrace than to asphyxiate. It is better to kiss than to bite. _It is better to love than to hate._"

**What else is there to say? **


End file.
